The ad boasted a place to enjoy fine wine in a cosy atmosphere, complete with a fireplace and entertainment. Great. And with a name that evoked images of a wine bar, I figured I had stumbled upon the perfect spot for an evening of drink and song.

I was wrong.

An afternoon inspection of the west-end business uncovered the following:

- Despite its name, this was not a wine bar but a sports bar (the rooftop satellite dish, jumbo TV screen, pub food and a wine list that included a dismal six titles provided the clues).

- The woman (the owner?) behind the bar should find another line of work. My husband asked for two glasses of white wine.

He: "What is your house wine?"

She: "Italian."

He: "Is it a Chardonnay?"

She: "A what?"

He: "Chardonnay -- it's a type of wine."

She: "I don't know. I don't know anything about wine."

A half-full bottle of something was held up for inspection. We took a chance. It tasted like swill. She shrugged.

- Entertainment can mean many things. On our way out (we said we weren't paying for the swill), we asked about the entertainment. "Karaoke on Thursday nights," she said.

We should have known better. The bar was the second business we had visited that day where the answers to queries about the establishment were: "I don't know."

We had earlier stopped at another west-end bar to ask about the entertainment. The conversation went like this:

We: "I see your sign advertising live entertainment tonight. Is it a band?"

Bar staffer: "It's a man who sings and plays the guitar."

We: "What kind of music does he play?"

Bar staffer: "I don't know."

We: "Would anyone else here know?"

Bar staffer: "I don't think so. But I'm sure he's good."

We: "Can you guarantee that he won't be singing Elvis tunes if we drop by tonight?"

Bar staffer: "Well, I'm sure he'll play all kinds of music."

We: "But you don't know for sure."

Bar staffer: "No. I don't know."

A week earlier, at a china store (again in the west end), I had my eye on a very expensive crystal brandy snifter from Moser. I don't know anything about crystal or Moser, but expected that the store's staff would.

I was wrong.

Me: "I've never heard of Moser. Why is this goblet so expensive? Is it rare? What's the history?"

Staffer: "I don't know much about it. All I know is that Moser is from Czechoslovakia."

Me: "Is this 18-karat gold around the rim?"

Staffer: "I'm not sure. It probably is. But maybe it's more. I don't know."

Me: "Will the gold tarnish? I know this shouldn't go in the dishwasher, but what else should I do?"

Staffer: "I'm not sure, but you should probably not use dishwashing liquid on it. I'd wipe it off with Windex or something."

Me: "Windex on a glass someone will be drinking out of?"

Staffer: "Well, I think so, but I don't really know."

No kidding. I did call the manager the following day. And no, Windex should not be used on a drinking glass.

Since when has "I don't know" become an acceptable answer? It seems businesspeople expect that hanging an "Open" sign on the door is enough. And then they wonder why there are no customers.

It's simple: We want good service, courteous staff and competitive prices. Instead, we get "I don't know" and a group of whining businesspeople, including Pierre Paradis, owner of C.A. Paradis Inc., suing the Ontario government because the Liquor Control Board of Ontario is selling a few wine glasses and corkscrews and cutting into their sales.

If a $6.95 corkscrew is ruining your gift-shop business, there's a problem. And it's not the LCBO.

I have had the pleasure recently of patronizing businesses that know how to do it right. It can be done.

So to the others: Do something. Give me a reason to go into your store or bar or restaurant. Stop whining. Train your staff.

And if you must answer a question with "I don't know," for heaven's sake, please add: "but I'll find out for you."

Published in The Ottawa Citizen on Jan. 4, 2002
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